Boeing Says New 737 MAX Is “Guaranteed To Just Fucking Kill You”

 By Paul Dudar

Chicago – At Boeing’s HQ on Wednesday, President and CEO David Calhoun proudly announced the return to service of the “new and improved” Boeing 737 MAX. Said Calhoun, “There’s no maybe about it this time, the new version of the 737 MAX will just fucking kill you.”

Boeing has drawn harsh criticism for its dismal safety record in recent years. Previous versions of 737 MAX featured flawed software that caused 2 crashes that killed over 300 innocent passengers. Calhoun told the assembled press have corrected this error. “Rest assured, we have built airlines the plane they will need to snuff out their passengers.”

The new 737 MAX features new guillotine doors, a washroom that is really a giant human-sized meat grinder and the new guidance system automatically sends the plane into a nose-dive after it reaches 2000 feet. “It’s truly a marvel of engineering! This plane was built for 2020!” exclaimed Calhoun before a confused and deeply disturbed press gallery.

When this reporter questioned how the FAA cleared the new 737 MAX for passenger flights when the aircraft has already caused 2 fatal crashes, Calhoun responded with a light chuckle and a wink, “We don’t worry about Uncle Sam! Uncle Sam worries about us.”

At press time, the Biden administration announced they had earmarked $90 Billion in bailout money for Boeing.

Paul Dudar is currently serving with The Royal Canadian Space Shuttle Door Gunners. More of Paul's work can be found at @pauldudar and on his website at pauldudar.com