“The Douchebags Have Returned”: A Journey with David Suzuki Through King West
By Paul Dudar
Toronto – Legendary TV Host and Environmental Activist, David Suzuki, has spent the last 4 months crouched behind a wilderness blind at King and Portland. This past Saturday, a ready-eyed Suzuki conferred with his colleagues before turning to this reporter to declare, “…the Douchebags have returned, nature is coming back to King West. It’s a beautiful sight.”
Suzuki has been attempting to raise awareness of environmental changes in wildlife that had been taking place on King West since the beginning of the Coronavirus lockdown.
“The early days of lockdown were devastating to the migratory and mating patterns of douchebags. Traditional mating practices, like driving their parent’s Lexus from the 905s so they can then creep back and forth along King Street, were interrupted,” explained Suzuki.
Brock Jenkins was so concerned about a late spring for the douchebags he decided to take matters into his own hands. “Those poor douchebags,” worried Jenkins, “I thought if I don’t do anything they might never holler at women from their cars again.” Jenkins illegally, sheltered 125-150 douchebags in his establishment the evening of June 26, nursing the malnourished douchebags with Tito’s and sodas, $50 shots of Don Julio 1942, and prosecco (known as “champagne” in the douchebag’s native tongue) before being forced to close. Jenkins is now facing severe legal repercussions for violations of the bro code.
Tonight, however, as Suzuki and his team made measurements the results were reassuring. According to Suzuki, “Judging by the large numbers of pastel coloured shorts, and v-necks we have observed, it is evident the douchebag eco-system is starting to heal.”
Venturing beyond the safety of the blind, Suzuki and I trekked to the western boundary of the King West douchebag territory. From Bathurst, Suzuki pointed towards Strachan Avenue, explaining, “Down there and to the south is Liberty Village. We call it the transition point, where the douchebags settle once they leave their 905 nests. Once there, they cocoon and metamorph into downtown snobs.”
Suzuki and I turned back eastward where we began to track a large 'squad' of male douchebags as they attempted in vain to get onto a patio without a reservation. After several attempts in one location the dominant douche of the group said, “Fuck you! This place is shit anyway. My uncle knows the owner!” Shortly after the group disbanded and made their way back to their illegally parked cars on Brandt Street.
“The douchebag eco-system still has so much healing to do.” Suzuki lamented shaking his head. “These 'bros' are going to be struggling for awhile still.”
Paul Dudar is currently serving with The Royal Canadian Space Shuttle Door Gunners. More of Paul's work can be found at @pauldudar and on his website at pauldudar.com